Drinking, Destruction, Depression and Dominoes

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THINK

“I like liqour – its taste and its effects – and that is just the reason why I never drink it.”
Thomas Jackson

The 29th October 2023 marked 12 months without alcohol.

“Cheers!” 🍻

When I told people I was challenging myself to go a year without beer, I got opposing reactions.

On one side, people would look at me with confusion or pity.

“Why are you doing that?” or “That sounds awful!”

On the other side, people would nod in agreement and suggest it’s a great idea.

“I’ve been thinking of taking a break myself.”

Both groups would normally follow up and ask, “How are you finding it?”

In all honesty, it’s been easy.

Not because I dislike alcohol. I love getting tipsy and feeling the buzz.

But because it’s been the most destructive habit in my life.

Alcohol hurts everything important to me – Health, Wealth and Relationships.

And yet it’s taken me until the age of 40 to make this bold decision.

In this week’s Newsletter, I’m going deep and personal, and covering a broad range of topics:

The impact of alcohol
The night that changed everything
My strategy for overcoming Anxiety and Panic Attacks
Turning your darkest moments into your greatest gifts
How to harness the ‘Domino Effect’
The most valuable personal finance asset

Let me take you back to where it all began…

Drinking at 13

The UK has a strong drinking culture. At least it did back where I grew up in a small market town.

It’s the one drug where abstinence is ridiculed.

No one ‘goes nuts’ if you decline a line of coke, a puff of weed or a cup of coffee.

But if someone offers you a drink and you decline, there’s something wrong with you.

You’re boring. You’re not one of us. You’re not a real man.

Sad really. But I was one of them.

What’s really sad is that the last time I went 12 months without alcohol was when I was 13.

I still remember that first drink.

I stood at the bar at the local rugby club, with perfect posture to gain an extra inch or so. I spoke deeply from my chest, and I tried to act all calm and cool as I asked for a pint of cider.

Inwardly, I was panicking. Would I get ‘found out’? What if they asked for ID or they told me to get out in front of my mates?

Back then, they knew I wasn’t 18. So did the men stood next to me.

But they didn’t care.

I got my pint of cider.

I remember feeling like a real man in front of my mates. I could see the admiration in their eyes. Sadly that association stayed with me for far too long.

Drinking at 17

Me and friends used to get our older brothers to buy booze for our high school discos.

We’d stash the bottles in secret spots around town, and then on the evening of the party, we’d arrive a little early and drink outside before heading towards the entrance all buzzed and giggly.

If you were going to work the room and ask girls for a snog, it helped to have a bit of ‘Dutch Courage’ in you.

What we were doing wasn’t legal or recommended. All-in-all, we were pretty well-behaved compared to many, but the habit remained and eventually escalated.

Drinking became a bigger part of my life at 6th Form College. I had broken up with my high school girlfriend, I was studying Sports Science, making new friends and enjoying my new independence. I went out nearly every Friday night. I even started going out on the odd Wednesday night too.

I had a weekend job at MFI (furniture store) as a salesman. I remember getting home at 3am on Saturday, only to be woken up at 8am by my dad who drove me to work.

During my breaks at MFI, I’d sleep on the canteen sofas (in a suit) to catch up on my sleep deprivation. I remember people waking me up and asking if I was OK.

How I didn’t get sacked, I do not know.

I was growing up quickly. I felt more and more like a man each week but I was miles off that in reality.

Drinking at Uni

At Uni, the drinking got worse.

Seemingly every night, there was an excuse to drink. It was either someone’s birthday, a 2-for-1 special or we had nothing better to do.

I remember thinking that if I had gone one night without drinking, I had earned the right to have a good drink the following night.

If I somehow went two nights without drinking (God forbid), I would have every excuse to get “smashed”. 😔

I remember being invited to a friend’s house to watch some football in our second year. A standard midweek night. I took two 3-litre bottles of cider with me. Yes, 6 litres.

I wasn’t sure if I was going to drink both bottles, but I knew 3 litres wasn’t enough.

One of my friends called me out on it. “What are you doing? Why are you drinking that much alcohol at home on a Wednesday?”

It hadn’t occurred to me that this wasn’t normal, despite being the only one drinking.

I remember saying, “It makes the evening more enjoyable. It’s boring without it.”

Jesus! 😮

I remember getting a nightshift job at Morissons during the holidays. I worked 12am-9am and got double time, which was perfect for a student.

One Friday night, I went out in the local big town when I had a shift at Midnight. Everyone was laughing at the fact I had joined them. Truthfully, I knew what I was doing was stupid but I wore it with pride.

I got drunk and turned up for work a little worse for wear. My teammate recommended I get myself home, so I left him in the lurch to do double the workload.

The following morning, HR called me in for a meeting and rightly sacked me for turning up to work drunk. My dad went ballistic. I remember saying I didn’t care, but I did. I just didn’t want to take responsibility for being a tw@t.

Drinking in my 20s

When I finished Uni, the drinking continued.

I got a “temporary” job working in a warehouse in my local town. I cut down on midwek drinking, but I made up for lost time on the weekend. This was back in the ’00s when pubs were rammed on a Sunday evening and smoking indoors was legal.

I went out on Friday, Saturday and sometimes Sunday.

I got paid weekly back then and my budgeting system was simple:

I paid my dad rent.
I saved £10 for my mobile.
I used the rest for partying.
Repeat.

All my friends drank. It’s what we did.

We had some amazing experiences but it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows.

I was in debt, I’d ballooned up in weight, I was single, dissatisfied with what I’d accomplished in life, and I didn’t know it at the time, but my mental health was on the decline.

Alcohol was a way to escape all of that but what I didn’t realise at the time was that it only led me further away from what I truly wanted.

Along Came Lou

I met Lou when I was out drinking. She was stopping with one of my friends after a recent breakup.

She joined us boys on a few nights out. Most, if not all of my friends, tried it on with her. I didn’t even bother because she was WAY too hot for me. I knew my place in this group.

But it worked to my advantage…

Thinking that I didn’t stand a chance, freed me up to be myself. When others were trying to impress her, I didn’t. I treated her like one of the boys and just had fun with her.

We connected.

I’ll save the full romantic details for another day, but we eventually got together after a few weeks of hanging out and she decided to move over to the UK permanently to give our relationship a go.

Lou always disliked the drinking culture in the UK. She felt it was over the top.

She could have 1-2 drinks and stop.

I couldn’t.

The Night That Changed Everything

Me and Lou have been together for nearly 18 years. We have an amazing relationship.

The reoccurring issue throughout the first half of it was my drinking. I promised her I’d take it easy with the boys and I’d end up getting carried away.

I wanted to change but I couldn’t do moderation.

One night, I was in such a state, that Lou refused to speak to me the following day. As we drove home, she blanked me. I was hungover, riddled with guilt and incredibly anxious. I was trying to make amends but she wasn’t having any of it.

I remember something happening inside of me. It felt like someone was sitting on my chest. My heart was racing and I was struggling to breathe. I asked Lou to pull over. She said, “you’re fine!”

I wasn’t. I told her to stop the car.

My lips were pursed together, and I struggled to move them. I could barely talk. I couldn’t breathe. I thought I was dying. We called 999.

I thought I had a heart condition and there was something fundamentally wrong with me. There wasn’t.

I had a panic attack.

The paramedics confirmed I had nothing to worry about. It was anxiety. I was fine and they recommended I speak to my GP.

I was never the same after that night. It terrified me to lose control like that. I went on a downward spiral which lasted for around 2-3 years.

Ultimately, I couldn’t accept being a man who had anxiety and panic attacks. I thought I was a strong confident man. Clearly not.

I never got to the point of wanting to commit suicide but I could understand why people did. Being in my head was hellish. As a man, feeling anxious felt wrong. It was emasculating.

So, I did what many men do. I did everything in my power to hide it from the world.

And unsurprisingly, it got worse.

There were two distinct moments when I realised I was at rock bottom with my mental health:

I was home alone for a week, and I couldn’t bear it. I was so afraid to be alone with my thoughts that I called my dad to ask if he could stop overnight. As a man in his 20s, it was humiliating. Seeing the worry on my dad’s face only made it worse.
I was afraid to leave the house to post a letter for fear of having a panic attack in public. The postbox was less than 100m from my house. I took a water bottle with me in case my mouth got dry and triggered an attack.

When I reentered the house, it hit me.

“How the f*ck has it got this bad? I can’t keep going like this!”

I knew the problem was getting out of hand. Anxiety and the fear of having a public panic attack were starting to take over my life.

I needed help.

Getting Help

Things started turning around when I stopped trying to hide it and run away from it.

I learned to accept what I had, admitted it to others and I got proactive.

“Outwork your self-doubt” – Alex Hormozi

My GP was awesome. He made multiple recommendations for further help and suggested medication if they didn’t help. I tried them all:

Psychotherapy (with 3 therapists)
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)
Completed a ‘Mindfulness Meditation’ course
Completed a ‘Stress Management’ course
Hypnosis
Read books on psychology, overcoming anxiety and panic attacks

They all helped.

I had cut back on booze but I was still drinking because it tricked me…

When I was drinking, all the anxiety and concern left my body. I was calm and confident. ✅

It was only the following day (or three) that I was left with the ‘hangxiety’. 🤔

I wasn’t aware of the connection back then.

Giving Help

One of the most terrifying and depressing nights of my life has turned into a gift.

I didn’t know anyone going through this stuff 15 years ago. I felt so scared and alone. I genuinely thought I was going mental and I’d be hospitalised. Little did I know that millions of people have the same issue.

Now, I can share my experience and coping strategies to fill people with hope that it’s ‘normal’, they’re not going crazy and you can overcome it.

I’ve since had the pleasure of helping multiple people work through their anxiety or panic attacks by sharing my experience and coping strategies.

I experience a warm fuzzy feeling when I connect with them and see the ‘dark cloud’ being lifted.

What a wonderful life lesson…

The most difficult things in your life (eg. death, mental health and physical suffering) can be used to help other people.

I’m no expert, but I created my own self-care checklist, which I share with others, and now with you.

If I’m ever feeling anxious, panicky, frustrated or overwhelmed, you can guarantee that at least one of these is being neglected.

There’s usually a few.

Self Care 101:

Am I Sleeping Well? – Sleep is the foundation of physical and mental health. A good night of sleep is the bridge between despair and hope. Sometimes, just getting a night of proper sleep can fix everything.
Am I Eating Well? – We all know intuitively what helps us and harms us. Don’t overeat. Eat less sugar and processed foods. Eat more whole foods and stay hydrated.
Am I Drinking Alcohol? – If I’m struggling mentally, I stop drinking. It makes everything worse.
Am I Drinking Coffee? – Caffeine is a stimulant. I need to ‘chill’ not get more ‘revved up’. If I feel anxious, I take a break from coffee.
Am I Exercising? – This is easy for me as I love it. It’s the miracle cure. You empty your anxiety stores from exercise. It’s hard to feel anxious or depressed if you exercise well. You couldn’t pay me to stop.
Am I Socialising? – Isolation is a killer. We’re social beings. It’s the new smoking. If I feel down, I make a point to reach out to friends. Ideally in person, but a phone/video call can also help. This never fails to help lift my mood.
Am I Meditating? – Meditation is the practice of living in the present moment. It helps break the habit of rumination and negative thought patterns. I rarely run into trouble if I’m meditating consistently.
What am I Consuming? – Am I watching positive and productive content? Ditch the news, outrage and gossip content. Consume wholesome, silly or educational content instead.
Have I Been Outside in Nature? – Go outside for a walk every day. Go outside for several hours once a week. The silence, scenery, sounds and movement all contribute to feelings of contentment and well-being. Go off-grid now and then for multiple days for a complete reset.

If you’re doing all of these things and you’re still struggling, you might need ongoing support or medication. I highly recommend speaking to your GP.

‘The Domino Effect’

‘The Domino Effect’ is when you change one behaviour, which activates a chain reaction and causes a shift in related behaviours.

Look for them in your life and utilise them.

I have many. Here are a few:

Working out
Meditating
Walking
Being in Nature
Being kind
Reading / Learning
Hanging out with friends, etc.

They all contribute to improving my health, wealth or happiness. Sometimes all three.

But beware, ‘The Domino Effect’ works both ways…

One of the most obvious Dominoes for me is drinking alcohol.

When I drink:

I experience elevated levels of anxiety (can last for days)
I sleep poorly
I eat like a twat that evening
And the following day/s
I put on body fat
My thinking becomes clouded
I’m more pessimistic
I act more irrationally
I feel great for hours but down for days
I’m more agitated and impatient
I waste money (on alcohol and intoxicated spending)
I waste time (far more productive sober)

And what do I get in exchange for all of that?

A social lubricant
Some good times
A few hours of escapism

Alcohol isn’t inherently good or bad – it’s a drug. When consumed in moderation it can offer the positives and minimise the negatives.

It remains a great way to connect with people faster, it helps to lose your inhibitions and I genuinely miss the taste of an ‘Old Fashioned’ (my favourite).

But for me, the negative side effects are no longer worth it.

It’s up to you to decide if the cost is worth it for you.

Summary

Why did a ‘Personal Finance’ guy just write a long post on alcohol?

It’s not really about the booze. It’s a lot more than that.

I invite you to consider the following:

1. Your past doesn’t equal your future. Everyone makes mistakes. We’re human.

2. It’s never too late to change or start anything new (sobriety, investing, side hustle, etc.).

3. “It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.” – Jiddu Krishnamurti

Don’t justify poor behaviour because other people do it.

4. “The most valuable personal finance asset is not needing to impress anyone.” – Morgan Housel

The people who you think care about your manhood, your car or your clothes, are really only thinking about their own manhood, car or clothes.

Trying to please others is a fool’s game. There is no victory. Instead, act in a way that the future you would be proud of.

5. Cultivate self-awareness and look for ‘The Domino Effects’ in your life.

Do more of the good and less of the bad.

6. Don’t neglect yourself. If you’re feeling ‘off’, work through the ‘Self-Care 101’ to reset.

7. Your deepest darkest moments can eventually turn out to be your greatest gift to others.

8. If you can abstain from a destructive habit, what else can you accomplish?

Reflect and share this with someone.

ASK

Take a moment to consider both sides of the ‘Domino Effect’:

“What habits signal a chain reaction of positive behaviours for you?

“What habit, if you stopped, would improve your life in multiple ways?”

Write down what comes to mind.

TRY

This week’s newsletter was supposed to be my learnings from going a year without alcohol.

I decided midweek that it might be more valuable to be vulnerable and share my past. I hope it helped.

This post isn’t an anti-alcohol message either.

It’s about self-awareness, destructive habits, mental health and perspective.

Consider what habits help you and harm you.

When I say ‘help you’ and ‘harm you’, it’s important to consider the full timescale of the habit.

Alcohol’s impact isn’t just the night or the following day, for many it’s multiple days.

Likewise, a cold shower isn’t about the 60 seconds of pain. You have to consider the hours of contentment that follow.

Don’t ignore the lasting damage of a destructive habit or the blissful feeling of a productive one.

If you feel inspired, try switching a ‘bad one’ for a ‘good one’.

I promise you, if you make the change, you will not regret it.

Your past doesn’t equal your future and it’s never too late to make a positive change. Age is just a number.

HIT REPLY and tell me if anything resonated with you in this post.

I read and reply to every email, and remember, I’m rooting for you.

Remember: Little by little, a little becomes a lot.

Reply to this email and share how it went for you. Let me know if you’d prefer to remain anonymous.

SHARE this with someone who’s ready to change.

SHARE your positive and negative dominoes with me and the rest of the world.

SHARE some self care.

Lead from the front and inspire others to follow.

Have an awesome week!

Huw